where will the road ahead lead?

my mistakes of 2017

How do I feel? I feel angry. I feel so much anger towards him it hurts me, yet I know truly that the anger I feel is towards myself. I miss him yet I feel so much regret. I want to hear his voice yet I feel so much fear in doing so. I want to love him but I do not at the same time. I could pick up the phone right this second and dial his number, it is truly that easy, but I am too stubborn to do such a thing. Every year I begin with the goal of a fresh start and nothing more. To leave my past behind me but how can I leave this boy behind me when I see him every day. I hear his voice every day.I feel his love every day. How can anyone get a fresh start when your past is your shadow. In nothing more than a few weeks, summer will end, inevitably shoving us back into reality. In nothing more than a few weeks I will have to see his face again, and for that, I am not ready, and never will be. But there is no one else to blame but me. I blame myself for sending that message in the first place. I blame myself for forgiving him after he has endlessly betrayed me. I blame myself for ever loving him.

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